I dunno

I seriously don't know what to blog about...I've been trying to think of something to say...but right now, it seems like that's most of my life...like....I just...don't know. I have SO many choices to make, SO many of them affecting my future, and all that awesome stuff. These are probably questions that EVERYONE goes through...actually...they are DEFINITELY questions that everyone goes through...haha.
I need to press into God.
I wrote a really neat song in the past few days. I guess it's not truly done yet, but it's REALLY close. It basically describes me. How I've felt for most of my life. The chorus (or what was the beginning of the chorus) went, "Give me back my chains." Basically I said this because I felt and still feel like I'm not really comfortable where God has me, and I want to go back to my old ways, because I was comfortable there. It's kind of depressing if you take it from the side of JUST me (the human). But, I guess that's true for all life. If you look at things from JUST the human's point of view, life sucks. But, then God comes in to the rest of the chorus (Now all of the chorus) and says, "There's no other way, your heart is Mine." And I feel like that's what He's saying to me...I just don't FEEL like it, and I don't FEEL like I get it. But, it's really not about what I feel...
Oh God, I guess I just need to be near You now, and hearing Your voice...just let me do that. Right now, that's all I need.

Come to a Conclusion

So, ever since I got back to PLBC, I've been a little moody...all over the place, depressed, happy, excited, nervous, etc. Some for good reason, others for unknown reasons. I knew why I was happy, excited, and nervous, but I couldn't figure out why I was moody and depressed. I think I may have figured it out, and I thought that I would never be at this point...but I definitely am.
Here it goes, I'm gonna be a little blunt, so try not to get offended or anything...it's just kinda how I feel, not necessarily the truth.
I was listening to some Watchmen for the Nations today and I was thinking about it, wishing that I could be a part of what they were doing, because seriously, they're doing HUGE things for Canada spiritually.
Lately, I thought that I've been depressed because my best friend isn't here. Seriously, he's the most amazing guy that someone could ever ask for. So, sure, I was a little unhappy that he wasn't here, but that shouldn't cause depression and moodiness. So, what was it?
For some odd reason, it finally clicked tonight. For a long time, I've been a part of a church that's been at the forefront of "church stuff." We've had times of prophetic worship, prophetic warfare, times of intersession, and we've gone through a lot of musical change. I've played on a youth band that was pretty advanced for our time. I've played and sang at Watchmen for the Nations gatherings. I've seen some pretty incredible things happen at them. I've led worship for a high school chapel and had amazing things happen. I'm not trying to say that I'm amazing, don't misunderstand. I've just done a lot of things that's been on the forefront of what God's been doing around me.
Now, I feel like, in coming back to PLBC, I'm surrounded by people who have never experienced that, or don't want to go there, or don't know how. I mean, with Mike, we play together and sense what eachother's doing throughout the whole worship set. We just know where the other is going. My brother could also be added into that. Here, it feels like I'm taking a few steps back. I'm at a church with almost no organized music department. At school, people are sometimes inexperienced, and it feels like there's NO room for anything outside of the norm. If I want to go into some times that are more open and play for forty minutes instead of 30, there's NO room for it!
It's really difficult to get out what I'm trying to say with words....but....to sum it up, here's what it is.
I've been on the front lines of battle. I've seen some pretty big things, I've "fought" (Whether that's a metaphor, or an exact depiction) with other great people. I've seen what God's been doing. And now, here I am, stuck in the training camp, it feels like! I'm not trying to say that people aren't where they're supposed to be here, or that I'm angry at anyone here. The people here are incredible, and I've been learning so much from being here. But...I guess...I can't understand why God still has me in the training camp. Please don't misinterpret this...if you are reading this and are offended, or anything like that, please come talk to me, because that's not the point of this blog. I guess that I feel like I could be doing SO much more right now, but God's holding me back. Of course...I KNOW that the opposite is true. God has me RIGHT where He wants me. There is no other place that could be better for me than right here, right now. I just feel like He's got me in the wrong place. Haha, that's a stupid thing to say. God having me in the wrong place....haha.
So...point of this blog? Get my feelings out, so I understand them a little better. I need to suck it up. I need to focus on what God wants. Just because I've seen some prophetic stuff and been on the "front lines" doesn't mean that I know everything, or that I'm ready for it. In fact...that could be why I'm in training camp...because I'm not ready for the front lines at all...huh...things to think about. I need to get over myself. I'm not as great as I think I am...which is funny, because half the times, I'm a lot harder on myself than I need to be. But that's a different story for a different time. Thanks for listening and reading...

Worrying

Well, I can now safely put behind me about 2 months of stress/worrying. It's over, I'm good with it. God's plan is being laid out in my life, and I'm excited for it! I don't need to be stressed, even though I am/was, haha.
You know, I'm glad that people have the freedom to speak truthfully and real with me. It's great to know that people don't need to hide behind their words or anything. Life is good. I'm living it, and trusting God.
Basically, to those who have no idea what's going on, (Which will be most people) just understand that I'm doing great. God's having his way in my life. That's all I need to know. Things will be laid out as He wants them.