I dunno

I seriously don't know what to blog about...I've been trying to think of something to say...but right now, it seems like that's most of my life...like....I just...don't know. I have SO many choices to make, SO many of them affecting my future, and all that awesome stuff. These are probably questions that EVERYONE goes through...actually...they are DEFINITELY questions that everyone goes through...haha.
I need to press into God.
I wrote a really neat song in the past few days. I guess it's not truly done yet, but it's REALLY close. It basically describes me. How I've felt for most of my life. The chorus (or what was the beginning of the chorus) went, "Give me back my chains." Basically I said this because I felt and still feel like I'm not really comfortable where God has me, and I want to go back to my old ways, because I was comfortable there. It's kind of depressing if you take it from the side of JUST me (the human). But, I guess that's true for all life. If you look at things from JUST the human's point of view, life sucks. But, then God comes in to the rest of the chorus (Now all of the chorus) and says, "There's no other way, your heart is Mine." And I feel like that's what He's saying to me...I just don't FEEL like it, and I don't FEEL like I get it. But, it's really not about what I feel...
Oh God, I guess I just need to be near You now, and hearing Your voice...just let me do that. Right now, that's all I need.

Come to a Conclusion

So, ever since I got back to PLBC, I've been a little moody...all over the place, depressed, happy, excited, nervous, etc. Some for good reason, others for unknown reasons. I knew why I was happy, excited, and nervous, but I couldn't figure out why I was moody and depressed. I think I may have figured it out, and I thought that I would never be at this point...but I definitely am.
Here it goes, I'm gonna be a little blunt, so try not to get offended or anything...it's just kinda how I feel, not necessarily the truth.
I was listening to some Watchmen for the Nations today and I was thinking about it, wishing that I could be a part of what they were doing, because seriously, they're doing HUGE things for Canada spiritually.
Lately, I thought that I've been depressed because my best friend isn't here. Seriously, he's the most amazing guy that someone could ever ask for. So, sure, I was a little unhappy that he wasn't here, but that shouldn't cause depression and moodiness. So, what was it?
For some odd reason, it finally clicked tonight. For a long time, I've been a part of a church that's been at the forefront of "church stuff." We've had times of prophetic worship, prophetic warfare, times of intersession, and we've gone through a lot of musical change. I've played on a youth band that was pretty advanced for our time. I've played and sang at Watchmen for the Nations gatherings. I've seen some pretty incredible things happen at them. I've led worship for a high school chapel and had amazing things happen. I'm not trying to say that I'm amazing, don't misunderstand. I've just done a lot of things that's been on the forefront of what God's been doing around me.
Now, I feel like, in coming back to PLBC, I'm surrounded by people who have never experienced that, or don't want to go there, or don't know how. I mean, with Mike, we play together and sense what eachother's doing throughout the whole worship set. We just know where the other is going. My brother could also be added into that. Here, it feels like I'm taking a few steps back. I'm at a church with almost no organized music department. At school, people are sometimes inexperienced, and it feels like there's NO room for anything outside of the norm. If I want to go into some times that are more open and play for forty minutes instead of 30, there's NO room for it!
It's really difficult to get out what I'm trying to say with words....but....to sum it up, here's what it is.
I've been on the front lines of battle. I've seen some pretty big things, I've "fought" (Whether that's a metaphor, or an exact depiction) with other great people. I've seen what God's been doing. And now, here I am, stuck in the training camp, it feels like! I'm not trying to say that people aren't where they're supposed to be here, or that I'm angry at anyone here. The people here are incredible, and I've been learning so much from being here. But...I guess...I can't understand why God still has me in the training camp. Please don't misinterpret this...if you are reading this and are offended, or anything like that, please come talk to me, because that's not the point of this blog. I guess that I feel like I could be doing SO much more right now, but God's holding me back. Of course...I KNOW that the opposite is true. God has me RIGHT where He wants me. There is no other place that could be better for me than right here, right now. I just feel like He's got me in the wrong place. Haha, that's a stupid thing to say. God having me in the wrong place....haha.
So...point of this blog? Get my feelings out, so I understand them a little better. I need to suck it up. I need to focus on what God wants. Just because I've seen some prophetic stuff and been on the "front lines" doesn't mean that I know everything, or that I'm ready for it. In fact...that could be why I'm in training camp...because I'm not ready for the front lines at all...huh...things to think about. I need to get over myself. I'm not as great as I think I am...which is funny, because half the times, I'm a lot harder on myself than I need to be. But that's a different story for a different time. Thanks for listening and reading...

Worrying

Well, I can now safely put behind me about 2 months of stress/worrying. It's over, I'm good with it. God's plan is being laid out in my life, and I'm excited for it! I don't need to be stressed, even though I am/was, haha.
You know, I'm glad that people have the freedom to speak truthfully and real with me. It's great to know that people don't need to hide behind their words or anything. Life is good. I'm living it, and trusting God.
Basically, to those who have no idea what's going on, (Which will be most people) just understand that I'm doing great. God's having his way in my life. That's all I need to know. Things will be laid out as He wants them.

Actually home

So...not much going on. I'm sitting watching my brother play Assassin's Creed 2. From what I can see, it's SO intense that I'm not even going to try playing it yet, lol. I'm gonna need more than a month to learn this one, haha.
I'm REALLY excited for Mass Effect 2. It definitely looks crazy. Of course, it HAS to come out about 10 or 14 days after I go back to PLBC, so I'm gonna have to wait another 5 months for it to come out, haha.
Christmas is coming up! That's gonna be pretty cool. At the same time, though, it's gonna be weird. With the whole parent situation...last year, we went to my grandma's for Christmas. And then this year, it's just kinda split up...into whatever happens. Ya, I don't know...I guess we'll find out.
Now, I know that most people aren't thinking about going back to college...BEFORE Christmas...but...I'm actually kinda excited to go back. And REALLY nervous...but we might find out about that a little later.
Right now, it's almost 12:30 at night and I'm at my mom's house. I feel like I should go to bed, but at the same time, I don't really want to. I'm kinda content to just stay up like this...maybe I'll go play Mass Effect...I created a new character, other than Auxilio Shepard, because I didn't want my awesomeness character to be ruined for Mass Effect 2. You know, I think it's FREAKING awesome that they decided to make it so that you can load your savegame from ME 1. Of course, some games got the little thing where you gain a bit of XP, or you learn a cross-class skill. But taking your ENTIRE character, and adding it's skill sets, alignment, choices, EVERYTHING into the next game? Now that's genius. Anyway, I should probably go. It has now struck 12:30, and the hour is late....or at least....it should be late for some...anyway, it's now 12:31...and it's even later. Goodbye!

Back

I am now back. I really don't know what to say. Things are awesome. I'm sitting in the basement with my family and my best friends, playing Rock band. Things don't get better than this. Well...I suppose they would if I could have a Sovereign class starship. But....other than that...:P

Finals, finals, and more finals...then the end...of the beginning

So, like the title suggests, I have finals. One more final until I am truly done....the end of the beginning is at hand. Now that I'm staying for four years...I've just completed the beginning of SO much more. I mean, sure, I'm done the first year...but this semester has felt VERY different than the first year of PLBC.
I've got AMAZING friends that I have gotten SO close to, SO fast. I can't even begin to talk about what they mean to me right now. This winter, Silas is coming home with me, and I really don't know what that's going to look like. I mean, it's gonna be awesome. I just don't know what going home is going to be like. Like a friend of mine has said out here, they couldn't imagine staying out here for this long, and now, it's become my home. I'm not trying to make my true home and less...but there's something different about being out here now.
My classes are coming along great. I REALLY wanted to take a class called "Theology of Spiritual Warfare," but it's not gonna work out. I REALLY wanted to take that class. I started reading the textbook for it last night...and it was SOOOO sick. The stuff it was talking about was incredible. Anyway, I need to get back to studying, I guess I just thought that I would put this out there.
Just 4 more days until I go back, woohoo!

What's new?

Not much, really.
If anyone's seen the new SGU, it kinda sucks. They ARE adding some good stuff into it, but who knows how it'll eventually turn out. I just hope it doesn't get canceled before it has the time to get good. If they had done that in SG1, we never would have had the awesomeness it has inspired in SO many people. People usually think that I'm a pretty intense nerd/geek for saying stuff like that, but it's true!
Cell phones practically came about because of Star Trek. SO many innovations happen because people simply DREAM what would be awesome and cool. Things like cell phones don't just appear because people in a researching lab "accidentally" come up with the design schematic for something like that. Now, on the other hand, I realize that many things pop up like that. But SOOOO many things have to be dreamed and THEN created. Nerds and geeks are creative in that way. They want something newer and cooler, or they have an idea for something that might be TOTALLY awesome and THEN find the technical expertize to create it. People are researching things like transporters today, probably because of Star Trek. Now, taking Star Trek for complete reality...that's a different thing. It's like making a piece of concept artwork, or a design schematic the absolute truth. Star Trek is like a piece of concept artwork for life. I realize that we will never have a true "almost perfect" society like Star Trek, that things like warp drive is, while not necessarily an impossibility, highly improbable. But you can still dream, can't you? If artists that paint pictures, or made songs never dreamed, then we would never have art!
Anyway....I didn't expect to go on a rant there, haha. I guess I just get worked up sometimes, because nerds and geeks are generally the social outcasts of life. That was basically me for most of my life. Even now, I'm wearing a shirt that says, "Do the math!" with a bunch of formulas on it. I guess I just wish that people like me weren't put down for most of their lives for dreaming up things that people in the future might take for granted. You know...look at me, I'm a geek/nerd. I'm the RA at an amazing Bible College, I've got incredible close friends who really aren't geeky or nerdy. I still LOVE to read and watch books/shows like Star Trek/Stargate, etc. but I've actually made it beyond the social stereotype. To me, it's kind of sad that people like me have to "get past" a social stereotype, JUST to fit in! Why don't people who are, say, amazing at skateboarding have to get past a social stereotype to hang out with other people. Why don't people who love sports have to get past a social stereotype just to "fit in"?
There are SO many people who have interesting, meaningful lives that don't get to express that, or "hang out" with other people, or are even seen in a completely negative light just because of the way that they are.
Well, I guess I got hyped up about that.
You know, there was a group of 5 or 6 guys that I met on Tour, and they were really the only people that I actually connected with. They played pretty much every game imaginable. I realize, that there are times when something gets to be too much and you have to make an effort to reach out and connect with other people, but these guys were kind of hanging out on their own. I saw Josh hanging out with them, so I went over and hung out. I realized that they were HARDCORE gamers. So, Josh left, because he was kind of out of his element, and I ended up talking to them the WHOLE time. They talked to me about a WHOLE lot of games, and actually pretty much sucked up all the geekyness I had in me, haha. During our event, we have a time where we introduced ourselves, and I had made a comment about these guys. I did that because I knew that people like me were NEVER talked about on stage. After the whole night was over, one of the guys came over to me with his mom and introduced me to her. It was definitely slightly weird and a little awkward, BUT I realized just how much of an impact I had made in his life. It was SOOO cool!
Seriously, I have no idea where I'm going with this. It's just kinda coming out.
This week...I've got finals. Tomorrow's song writing...and that's gonna be.....interesting. I'm really not sure what to expect, but I don't think that i'm going to do too amazingly on it. On Wednesday, I've got Music theory 3 and that's gonna be a piece of cake. I LOVE music theory. It's like math...all over again...but for my instrument. It's really cool. Then, on Friday, I've got Survey of Christian beliefs. THAT is the one that's going to kill me. It's going to be SO hard. Well...at least that's what I'm thinking. After the mid-term, I'm pretty sure that it's gonna be pretty hard.
I guess that kinda sums me up right now.
Also, just to clear things up, I don't mind being called a geek and a nerd, it's how I'm made! I love it! It's who I am. Call me a geek/nerd...even a gerd....a neek...or a gerk...if you want to. I don't neccessarily find it attractive...or anything like that. BUT, I know the truth about myself. I'm a geek! I'm a nerd! I just don't like it if you do that in a negative way.
Matt.